Too Many Cooks
by 9r7g5h
Summary: Smarf just couldn't believe it.


**AN** : So I wrote this while semi-drunk two years ago, because I am meme loving trash. I had forgotten about it, until a few days ago, when, while watching a live stream, I remembered it existed and was prompted to publish it. Here you go. Enjoy the random whatever this is.

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Too Many Cooks.

* * *

Smarf just _didn't understand_.

When the Cybernetic Operational Optimize Knights of Science (or C.O.O.K.S., as the universe knew them in the future) had debriefed him for this mission, it had sounded so, so simple. Go back in time. Infiltrate the original Cook family in Cook town as a normal, average cat. Protect them at all cost, or watch the future crumble.

Especially since he only needed to protect them until a good picture of them all could be taken?

It was _so_ simple. There had been thousands- hundreds of thousands- of missions like this sent out before. Robotic cats and dogs had been sent back all throughout history, making sure the timeline was secure. That people died when they were supposed to and lived when they were supposed to and fucked when they were supposed to, ensuring that the known world they knew would stay. Protecting a cute little family of a mom, a dad, a handful of kids (he had tried to count, but there was too much movement in the blurred photo to make out a good estimate), and at least one grandmother would be easy. In fact, protecting their entire town would be so, so easy. A piece of cake. As simple as cooking a stew.

Oh, how wrong he had been. There were just _too many Cooks_.

Everywhere he looked, there was someone else. What had started out as just Ken, his wife Tara, their children Katelyn, Justin, Morgan, Layla, and Tayor, and Ken's elderly mother Linda had turned into more people than Smarf could keep track of. Even with his robotic mind, the most brilliant brain a thousand scientists could build, he just couldn't.

Kayte, the babysitter. Jayla, the random cousin who dropped by every now and then unannounced when her parents were busy (Smarf had to wonder if her parents even existed. They were the only two Cooks he had yet to see). Cameron, Tara's much younger brother and the kid's science uncle. Zack, Ken's adopted brother, come to live with them when Linda had just turned too old to take care of him herself. Gwydion, who had some connection, Smarf was sure, but he had yet to figure it out yet. Ginny, a random child who just showed up, who no one ever questioned the existence of. The twins, Dylan and Logan; Barbara, Linda's newest lover; Mary, Tara's sister (maybe?) and by this point Smarf had just said "fuck it" and moved on.

So, the family was a bit larger than he had been led to believe. He could deal. He could still protect the Cooks. He could still keep the family safe, and fulfill his prime objective. He could protect the future.

Oh, how young he had once been. Oh, how much like a child he had once thought, back when this had all started.

When the C.O.O.K.S. had given him the Reboot Button, he hadn't thought he would use it. Had never believed that things would go so wrong he would have to return to the moment he first arrived in the past, taking the place of the aging tom the family had originally been slated to adopt. He hadn't even thought it would work- oh, he had heard, of course, about the mouse who had to use their reboot button during the assassination of Lincoln, to make sure he died at the theatre instead of that strange pie eating contest the day before, but still. Even with all of their technology, how could the C.O.O.K.S. have developed a button that would not only put you back in a set point in the past, but also change something about the universe so you could make your mission work?

But then he met _William_.

Oh, even thinking the name made him shudder.

That man was strange. There was something horribly, horribly wrong with him, but at first Smarf hadn't understood it. How could he have? Even though no one had been able to tell him exactly how William had fit into the family (he certainly hadn't been in that original blurry photo Smarf had been shown, and while everyone else just seemed to accept him, Smarf had even caught Tara and Ken puzzling over the man's reason for being part of their family), he had just always been there. In the background, at family and city functions, acting as if he belonged almost more than anyone else did. It didn't make sense, but Smarf had just accepted his existence and moved on with his mission.

Until that first splatter of blood hit his face, until he first watched the family he had been sworn to protect, the family he had even come to love, fall before him, William's smile never leaving.

He had pressed the button after Ken and Tara had fallen, had rebooted the universe as he watched Linda and Barbara stand before the children and try and hold him off. Rebooted the universe, and found himself once again in that little cage, a small little hand pointing at him, and tiny little voice asking Ken if they could take him home.

This time was different. Of course it was going to be- Smarf had been learned about the Reboot Button in his training: if the button was pressed, the C.O.O.K.S. stepped in to fix things. Sometimes they sent the operative extra information, if it was accessible, allowing them to understand their mission and circumstances that much better. Sometimes the C.O.O.K.S. sent another operative back, to help get someone or something in the right place for the main operative to use for their mission. It was a general reboot of the universe, a cry for help, and the C.O.O.K.S. responded.

This time, with the Cooks' handful of personal chefs- Ricky, VC, Nilsa, and Gregory. This time, with a new neighbor, Will, a creep if there ever was one. With another cousin, college aged Victoria, who took up the family's extra bedroom so she could save on dorm expenses in exchange for switching off watching the kids with the babysitter (and who was also a semi-nudest, refusing to wear a shirt for more than a few hours each day, much to that perv Will's delight. Smarf had scratched out the lenses of his binoculars more times than he could count, but still the man got new ones). With Marc, Ken's hapless younger brother, and his boss, Charles, both of whom were in under the thumb of the director's assistant, Karen. In this universe, Ken and Tara had opened their marriage up to others, bringing in Marc and Mary into the relationship as well, making the family that much closer of one. Victoria and Kayte helped the gaggle of kids with their homework every night after their own schooling, and it seemed like it would be ok. The family was larger, and the larger the better, right?

But then William, once again, showed up. The first time he hadn't shown up until years after Smarf had been with the family, protecting and guiding them. This time he arrived just a few short months after Smarf had been settled in, just a few short months after he had pressed the Reboot button and begun to navigate this new version of reality that was his now.

And much to Smarf's horror, as the children dragged William over to meet him, William had patted him on the head, smiled that large, wide, fucking creepy smile of his, and winked.

Somehow he knew. Somehow, William knew what had happened, and that terrified Smarf. Because that mean William wasn't like the other Cooks, wasn't like the other people living in the little town of Cook.

He was something else. Something _more_. And it made Smarf sick. Because it hadn't mattered. The newest additions to the family hadn't made any kind of difference, and once again Smarf had fled when William had brought out his knife, had bared his hungry teeth and begun the hunt, and once again Smarf had hit the button.

This time brought in Michael, Chris, Tina, Cynthia, and Sheila, a new family from across the street who fit in just fine in the ever growing work of Cook. Lovely people, fast friends of the family, the kids and parents alike falling in with each other, strengthening the clan of people who loved and cared about the Cooks. This time brought in Clayton, a second cousin twice removed who had moved to Cook to become a shirtless fireman/model, and his twin, Ali, a cop. And finally Smarf thought the family safe, because Ali brought into the fold Ed, her older police partner (and Josh, the petty thief who kept finding ways to escape the police car when Ali and Ed stopped by for dinner, only to end up back in there every other week). Ken got on first name bases with James, Ali's boss, and even had him over for Christmas dinner. Eugene became a permanent couch bum at their place on Sundays, finding a friend (and perhaps a bit more) in Clayton.

Even the coat had grown some kind of sentience (it liked to be called Matthew), and Smarf was sure that, somehow, the pie the youngest of the kids had called 'Lars' was watching him.

All of this, and Smarf had been sure that the Cooks would be safe. Their house was crawling with police officers, with firemen from Clayton's unit, with people so well established to handle William if he showed up. There was even a cartoon focusing on the Cooks as crime fighters, as American heroes, and with all of this, Smarf had relaxed. He had thought his people safe.

But it hadn't. Once again, _once again_ , Smarf pushed that button as the guns rang out, as people fell as metal hit flesh, and he once again found himself back in that cage.

This time, the Cooks had people in power. Political allies, protected by the entire for of the US government. Candace, Ben, Dan (a politician who wrote laws on the badminton court)- all of them useless, in the end. None of them survived that first week of Smarf's return.

So he tried to break up the family. He organized and plotted and planned, and within a few months, the older of the kids were all at Cooks University, having pillow fights and playing games. It was glorious, because if the family wasn't there for William to kill, then he couldn't kill them. Simple, easy, a solution to his problem. It made so much sense, Smarf almost hated himself for not thinking of it earlier. Just keep everyone apart, alive, until it was time for the photo, and everything would be perfect.

Until the reports of the murders showed up on the news. Elena, Victoria's girlfriend, had been the first to go. Amy, her science teacher. And then there'd been cousin Katie (no relation to Kayte, the babysitter). From what Smarf had seen of the reports, she had almost won. She had actually run, had actually been able to avoid William's demented attempts at murder, had almost survived. John had tried to step in, only to find himself frozen with fear (or, perhaps, something else). And she'd come home. To the Cook's home, somehow believing that she would be safe there. That she would be protected and loved and taken care of by the family she knew as in there.

People who saw her flee, who tried to rage against the frozen muscles they couldn't break away from, but were unable to overcome that monster's power. Unable to save her as William found and ended her.

The next reboot had superheroes. Smarf wasn't sure how, and he honestly didn't care, because just like all of the others, they failed. Kayte, babysitter by day, superhero by night, found herself missing half her head, and Will was found in two. Like, legit, there were two of him, one normal and one wearing a stupid little cape.

More cops next time, but poor Derick hadn't stood a chance. Neither had Sue, or Aimee, or any of the many others who had come in to make the family that much bigger. _None_ of them had stood a chance, not against William.

Smarf waited to press the button the next time, just sat there and watched in dumb horror as William, one by one, picked off the Cooks, and all the people of Cook. Watched as he turned the people he had loved, the people he had considered friends, into food, body parts scattered across the floor, roasting in the oven, chilling in the fridge- all while William smiled that large, wide, creepy demented smile of his and winked.

And he snapped. Smarf couldn't take it any longer, and he snapped, shooting his lasers at William. He knew it wouldn't matter- he would be pressing the Reboot Button soon enough, so killing William himself wouldn't make any kind of difference. He, just like all the others, would be back alive soon.

But for that moment it made him feel a little bit better. It made him feel better to watch that demon turn into ash, though it made him miss home that much more. Because back at home, things had been so easy. He lived on board the C.O.O.K.S. space craft under the command of Captain Steve, defending humanity against the Beast Rebels of the Hellscape (or B.R.o.t.H, for short). He helped John chart their course through space, helped Matthew (that wasn't his true name, but no one could speak his real tongue, on Matthew it was) improve their variety of weapons, and followed Jennifer into the field of battle, killing all in his way with his eyes and his claws and his teeth. Back home, back in the future, back with the people he cared for- life had been so, so simple and easy, and Smarf missed it.

He missed fighting against the evil Matt, missed watching on their giant screens the medical drama revolving around Dr. John and his assistant. He missed it all. But Smarf had a job to do, and so he pressed the button.

He wasn't sure how many time he had pressed it- enough for the world to get a bit…strange. Things had never been the same after a push, no, that was the point. But after who knew how many pushes? Smarf gave up trying to keep track of it all. He gave up trying to figure out how the world had changed, who the new people were, gave up it all.

So long as someone kept his food bowl full, and warm hands scratched at the itch behind his ear while he curled up in their lap, he didn't care anymore. He just couldn't. He couldn't care about the screaming, about the world degenerating around him. He just couldn't care.

Part of him had wanted to just let it end. William was too strong, too powerful, and the world was too broken anyway. There was no way to fix this, no way to make things right, so why try?

But as he watched William wreak devastation upon the world, laughing the mighty laugh of an evil god, Smarf had to try. Just one last time, he had to try.

He was thankful that his claws were sharper than diamonds, that they dug deep into the smooth tile flooring and allowed him to drag himself over to where the Reboot button waited for him. Waited, tantalized, promised another restart and that maybe, _just maybe_ , this time he would get it right. That he'd be able to get the Cooks to take that damn picture, and he could finally end this. A chance at getting things right, just one more chance.

He pressed it as he died, and awoke once more in that cage.

And this time, it seemed like it would work. For years, as Smarf watched the Cook family and town grow, it finally seemed like it was actually going to work. William never appeared, the group of people who loved the strange town and the strange little family it had been named after continued to grow, and things seemed ok. Filled with drama, yeah, but when the mayor was a giant lizard man, that was to be expected. But no one died, no one was murdered, and for once, _for once_ , Smarf was hopeful.

Hopeful that he would be able to put away the Reboot button, instead of keeping it in an easy to access place. Hopeful that they could finally be able to take one good picture of the family, thus fulfilling his mission. Hopeful that he might finally be able to end this mission and go home, back to a home he had left what technically added up to a couple of hundred years ago, a couple hundred years replayed over and over again too many times for even his mind, the best mind dozens of scientists had been able to build, to keep track of.

For the first time he could remember, Smarf felt hopeful.

He felt hopeful as the family members crowded into the living room, taking their places around the couch as Ken set up the camera. Watched with hope as people shuffled around, getting properly settled as Ken began the count down. Watched with hope as Ken jumped over the kids and settled between Tara and Mary, the two loves of his life, and wrapped an arm around each other them.

Smarf watched with hope and smiled as Ken, fully facing the camera, smiled as the _click_ sounded to tell them that the picture had, in fact, been taken.

Smarf almost cried. He almost cried, because he was free. He could finally be free of this house, of this mission, of these people, because they had finally taken the picture. Now all he had to do was get a copy and he could go home.

As Smarf waited in life for the copies Tara had printed out, he couldn't help but begin to plan. It wouldn't take long to find the return pod that had been set up for him- he knew where it was, just had never used it. He hadn't been able to even think about using it before. But now it would only take a few hours to get the coordinates set up, to get the pod calibrated for the future, to get the photo placed into the containment field to keep it fresh and-

Smarf froze. He froze, and stared at the photo Tara had just handed him. Froze and stared in horror at the smiling faces staring up at him. Because instead of Ken's face taking up the center of the photo, smiling his large, wide, creepy smile, was _William_.

* * *

The Cooks had always known their cat Smarf was a strange one. He didn't look like a normal cat, didn't act like a cat- if they hadn't been so sure that he was, in fact, a cat, they might have questioned it. But they were hardly the most normal people in the world, and so had just shrugged and accepted their pet for who he was. But he'd always been a strange one.

Like, he could play the piano perfectly, seemed more comfortable walking on two legs than four, and the day after they took their family photo, he never stopped screaming.

But that was Smarf for you, and the Cooks loved him anyway. Especially William, who was coming for a visit soon, if their memories were correct.


End file.
